.png)
Commitment in a relationship can be transformative, but real change requires more than good intentions. It’s about committing fully to a process, without looking back, much like Alexander the Great did when he burned his ships upon landing in Asia. By destroying any path to retreat, he left his men with only one option: advance or perish. The same principle applies to relationships. When we burn our metaphorical ships, we stop relying on old patterns, and we bind ourselves to a forward-moving path of growth and connection.
The Power and Challenge of Committed Change
So, what does it mean to commit to change in your relationship? To commit is to give yourself wholeheartedly to a path. It’s a decision to invest in making things better and to do your part consistently, regardless of how your partner responds.
I remember when I was a volunteer with The Hunger Project, an incredible NGO committed to the sustainable end of hunger and poverty on the planet. I joined a group of other investors like myself (we called ourselves 'investors in the end of hunger') on a visit to Bangladesh. We visited villages that had been working with THP to end hunger successfully through the empowerment of women, getting laws changed that impacted people at the village level, challenging limiting beliefs and cultural norms that got in the way of transforming their poverty, and turning their dependence on charity into self-sufficiency. THP created an education process called ‘Vision, Commitment and Action’ workshops that helped the villagers create a vision for the future of their village, learn what it means to truly commit to something (not giving up when it got hard but working together to solve the issues no matter what) and how to create a strategic action plan to take them forward into the future.
In one village, we visited a project created by the villagers. They asked the landowner, whose land they lived and worked on, to be given several dams that were on the property. Their plan was to build up the dam walls to prevent the flooding that occurred every year during the monsoon season, that ultimately flooded the fields and prevented more than one crop of rice being grown every year. The landowner agreed, and we were present when they were putting in the little fish that would grow into not only food for their families, but more that they could sell at the market to bring income into the village.
One of those in our group asked our guide:
‘What would happen if the dam walls burst and the water started flooding the fields?’
He replied ‘We would stand shoulder-to-shoulder and build them back up again.’
Our translator later shared with us that this was even more powerful than it seemed - in other parts of Bangladesh, when something broke or they couldn’t fix something, they would sit and wait until the government or an NGO would come and repair it. If they didn't come, it stayed broken or unusable. This was an perfect example of empowerment and commitment in action!
So here are some things to remember about committed change.
Commitment as a Process, Not a Moment
True commitment isn’t just a one-time pledge; it’s a daily practice. If you are married, your vows are not just for the wedding day! Imagine deciding each day to show appreciation for your partner, to really see them, and to make them feel valued. Committing means engaging in what I like to call the “gratitude two-step”—expressing something specific you appreciate about your partner and bringing your best self to the relationship, even when things are difficult.
Facing the Fear of Change
We often resist change not because of the effort required (although sometimes it feels like that is the reason too!) but because of fear. It might be:
fear of the unknown that change brings,
fear of failing (better to leave it as it is than make it worse),
fear of dealing with what we think it says about us if we do 'fail' or
fear of what a successful relationship might require of us - am I up to it/willing to make the effort?
But here’s something to consider: real change and a strong, healthy relationship only
happens when we’re willing to take a risk, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Visualising the Futu
re You Want
Imagine what would happen if your partner showed love and appreciation daily.
How would it feel if they greeted you with genuine interest, and if they made you feel respected and valued?
Hope might begin to emerge.
And if you felt hopeful, wouldn’t that change the way you treated them?
Take a moment to do a thought experiment:Imagine walking in the door feeling hopeful about the relationship:
How would you greet your partner?
How might you show them you care?
Now consider this: What if you could bring that mindset, that curiosity and care, into each interaction, even when things aren’t ideal? This “gratitude two-step”—showing appreciation and bringing curiosity—plants the seeds for a stronger, deeper connection.
Why We’re Reluctant to Commit
Sometimes, we avoid committing to change because we’re comfortable with what’s familiar, even if it’s less than ideal. Familiarity can provide a sense of safety, while the idea of altering our behaviour or expectations might feel destabilising. Or, we tell ourselves, “Why should I change if they won’t?” But commitment isn’t about controlling someone else’s actions; it’s about being true to a vision for a better relationship. It means embracing the process for yourself and, as a side effect, opening doors for your partner to join you. Sometimes it is because of the fear that if I commit, and they don't, what then?**
Shifting from Defensive to Constructive Connection
One essential part of committed change is letting go of defensiveness. It’s natural to protect ourselves, but when both partners are defensive, conversations go in circles and damage connection. Commitment asks us to look beyond our immediate reactions and adopt a mindset of curiosity. Instead of responding to criticism with self-protection, we can learn to ask open questions, like, “Can you tell me more about what it was like for you?” It may be challenging to do, as we often need to learn to calm our emotional responses to what they say, but it creates an environment where each person feels seen and understood.
Building Toward Change: A Practical Commitment
Knowledge is not power without action. Let's face it, there are many things you know about what you should do or should not do... information is everywhere. But change only happens when you take different actions.
Here’s what I’m inviting you to do:
Gratitude Two-Step – Every day, make a point to express something you genuinely appreciate about your partner. It could be something small or specific, but it should be authentic. And in turn, bring your best self forward, aiming to make the relationship stronger in ways your partner values.
Be the Leader in your Relationship - Waiting for your partner to make changes is probably not a great strategy (and let’s face it, you have probably been trying that without success for a while!) Being willing to be the leader means showing up as your best self, not waiting for them to go first. When you commit to making the changes YOU need to make, they will feel it and are more likely to take an action, too. When both of you take the lead, your relationship will look very different in a very short period of time.
Commit Without Excuses – Decide on a period to follow through, maybe a week or a month, where you commit to showing up in this way unilaterally, without waiting for reciprocation. This is about building a foundation of respect, care, and integrity.
Seek Understanding, Not Just Agreement – If things get tense, stay in the conversation, ask questions for understanding, and avoid retreating into old habits. Commitment doesn’t mean things won’t get challenging; it means you’re willing to work through the hard moments because you believe in the potential of the relationship.
A New Future, Together
The commitment to change in a relationship is less about “getting it right” and more about aligning with a shared future. When you commit to understanding, appreciation, and integrity, everything starts to shift. You create a space where new possibilities emerge, and your relationship moves from being reactive to being resilient.
Like burning the boats, it’s a powerful act to commit fully, to go forward without retreat. So take a breath, take the first step, and see what unfolds.
As William Hutchison Murray famously quoted: “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”
If you are unsure of what step you want to take, or how to make those changes, there is no shame in getting support. The real truth is, if you knew what to do, you’d probably be doing it already! Or maybe you know what changes you need to make but you struggle with keeping them consistent and turning them into habits.
I have been working as a Relationship and Intimacy Coach since 2020 with couples like you, who know they want more - a safe, loving, connected relationship into the future.
Check out my website below for more information on services I provide and how I might support you, or click on the button to book a free Clarity Session with me to see what coaching can do for your relationship, and consider recommitting to a new future for that most important relationship in your life
** If you are in an abusive relationship, committing to make it work when you are being harmed is not what I am recommending here. If you are living with someone that you are not safe with, or is actively harming you, please get professional help immediately. Your safety (physical and psychological) comes first!
Sharlene Halbert
'I Do' and Beyond Relationship and Intimacy Coach and Wedding Celebrant.
Make your relationship reflect the love you feel for each other.
IG,FB,LinkedIn,TikTok: @sharlenehalbertcoach
Comments