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If you’ve ever paused during an argument with your partner and thought, Should our kids really be seeing this?, you’re not alone. Many parents wonder how conflict impacts their children, or maybe don't really consider how it might impact the kids (especially in the moment when you are too busy trying to navigate your miscommunication, misunderstandings and your emotional responses) - the answer is more complex than you might think.
I recently spoke at The Real Truth about Motherhood inaugural event in Barcelona alongside forensic psychologist Lara Trousse from London, who specialises in PTSD. Her insights about how the brain processes emotional experiences offer important lessons for parents navigating conflict in front of their children.
The Brain’s Response to Conflict
Lara explained how the amygdala, the brain’s centre for keeping you safe, works together with the hippocampus, which is the part responsible for forming memories and processing emotions. When conflict or trauma occurs, the amygdala takes over, putting us into a state of high alert, often called ‘flight, fight and freeze’, preparing our bodies for either running away from danger, fighting back against the danger or freezing to protect ourselves. Meanwhile, the hippocampus often stops working as effectively, leaving us stuck in the most intense parts of the experience into the future. Anything that the brain recognises as similar to that past experience then causes the emotional 'trauma' response and now it feels to your brain as if there is 'a tiger eating your face', even though that past event is not actually happening in that moment.
But there’s a way to reshape these memories. By revisiting the other parts of the event—not just the most painful moments—the hippocampus can recreate a more balanced memory. This same principle applies to the conflicts we experience in daily life, including arguments with our partners. It then makes it possible to engage the hippocampus in a 'reality check' about future events that might trigger that emotional response, using breathing, reframing, or reprogramming phrases.
What Do Kids Really Need to See?
Many parents believe that keeping their arguments hidden protects their children, but the reality is, depending on certain circumstances, that I will outline, quite different.
Children are highly sensitive to emotional undercurrents in the home, even when nothing is said out loud. They can sense when things aren’t right, and when conflict is hidden, it leaves them confused and anxious, without the tools to understand or process what’s happening.
On the other hand, when children witness healthy conflict resolution, they learn valuable life skills. Therefore, it’s not the argument itself that causes harm—it’s unresolved or poorly handled conflict that can create long-term issues. Children need to see that disagreements are a natural part of relationships and that there are respectful, effective ways to resolve them.
The Importance of Healthy Conflict Resolution
When you openly show your children that arguments can be resolved, you’re teaching them that relationships aren’t about avoiding conflict but learning how to manage it. Healthy conflict resolution demonstrates key skills like compromise, teamwork, and emotional regulation.
For example, after an argument, you might say to your child, “I know it was upsetting to see us fight, but did you notice how we calmed down and worked it out? Or ‘How did you feel when we were arguing? Did you notice that we calmed down and gave each other a hug?”
This allows children to connect the emotional intensity of the moment (amygdala response) with a sense of resolution and safety (hippocampus processing). They learn that It’s okay to disagree, but it’s important and possible to talk things through respectfully.
What About the Silent Treatment?
It’s not only overt arguments that can impact your children. The silent treatment, also called stonewalling by Dr. John Gottman, perhaps the most well-known relationship psychologist and researcher, who has been studying couples for over 40 years, can be just as harmful. When children see their parents refuse to communicate or engage, they learn that emotional avoidance is acceptable—and may begin to view relationships as unsafe or emotionally disconnected.
Stonewalling often occurs when one partner withdraws emotionally during conflict, leaving the other feeling unheard and abandoned. Over time, this lack of communication can erode the emotional connection in a relationship. When children witness this, they are deprived of learning how to express emotions or resolve conflict in a healthy way.
Modelling Communication for Your Kids
The only true way for your kids to learn healthy communication skills is by observing those they are closest to—their parents. It’s not the quantity of time you spend with them that makes you the greatest influence, but the quality of the relationship you have with them. As their primary caregivers, you provide love, safety, and protection, which makes you their biggest role models when it comes to relationships.
When you show them how to navigate conflict, communicate respectfully, and repair after disagreements, you’re giving them the tools they need to form healthy, loving relationships in the future.
So, Is It Unhealthy for Kids to See You Argue?
So, is it healthy to argue in front of your kids?
The short answer is yes and no. If conflict is constant, unresolved, or handled with anger and disrespect, it can negatively impact your children’s emotional well-being. But when conflict is managed constructively, it becomes a powerful teaching tool. Kids learn that:
Disagreements are normal in relationships.
Arguments can be resolved with respect and communication.
Love and connection are not threatened by conflict.
Expressing emotions is healthy, and it’s important to find solutions together.
By demonstrating these skills, you’re not only strengthening your relationship but also giving your children a foundation for their future relationships.
Give Your Relationship—and Your Kids’ Future Relationships—a Fighting Chance
So not only is learning the skills to communicate essential for your own relationship and emotional health, but the skills you model for your children today will shape the way they communicate and relate to others throughout their lives. If you feel uncertain about how to manage conflict or communicate effectively, it’s never too late to learn. Developing these skills will not only strengthen your relationship but also provide a positive, lasting impact on your children’s emotional health.
In addition, learning frameworks for understanding each other better and communicating more effectively can help you and your partner experience more love, connection, safety, and the feeling of being seen, heard, and valued. If you’re ready to equip yourselves and your family with the skills that foster healthy communication and strong bonds, I’m here to help.
I'm Sharlene Halbert, Your Relationship and Intimacy Coach. If you are ready to do what it takes to have the kind of relationship that truly reflects your love for each other, click the button below to sign up for my Relationship Revelations Weekly Newsletter for more tips, strategies, information about upcoming webinars, courses and more.
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